It's 3pm and I'm still in my pj's waiting earnestly for Kailash to fall asleep. I just want to get some sleep or at least do a yoga nidra and feel somewhat human again. I am perplexed how such a little being can be so time and energy consuming!
Last night I had a mini break down. The first, of many I'm sure, since Kailash was born. It was nearly dinner time, we had had a long day, out and about, running errands, doing chores etc. I was tired, emotional and worn down - I couldn't understand why Kailash was crying every time he went to feed.
When he is hungry he breathes in and out rapidly though his nose, similar to bhastrika, or for those not familiar with this pranayama, it sounds a bit like a steam train on speed! He also bobs his head around as though he is bobbing for apples.
I feed lying down, this helps with posture and also to slow down a fast milk flow, so when I'd place him on the floor ready to feed he would start crying, or should I say howling! So I'd pick him up, hold him close, moments later he would again breathe fast and bob his head, showing the signs of hunger. Time and time again I'd place him down and 'whhaaa, whhaaa!'
Noticing how this was affecting me, I slowed down my breath, which miraculously slows down his as well, and asked for patience. After several rounds Kailash would latch on. I'd sigh with relief and experience moments of deep ananda, in English, bliss.
My partner had just finished work so I was going down to buy some groceries. I hadn't planned dinner which was unusual because I love food and normally have the days meals sussed out well before it's time to eat. So I asked John what should we have? To my surprise he suggested chicken and chips. Only once in our 5 years together had we ever had chicken and chips. I set on the quest to get some groceries, chicken and chips. I went to the local grocer to buy veggies and the que was what felt like a mile long. Hungry with sore boobs and somewhat impatient I stood in line stressing that Kailash would awaken needing a feed while I was gone. To save time I thought I'd call the fish and chip shop and order $3 worth of chips. I needed to stop in and get a cooked chicken from the chicken shop but figured that wouldn't take long.
After putting in my chip order I drove to the chicken shop, eager to get home and either feed Kailash or express to alleviate the pressure from my milk supply. The chicken shop was all out of chicken but had some cooking and said they would be 10 minutes. So I called John who said "Kailash is fine, just take some time for yourself, there is no hurry." Great, I thought. Time for myself in a shopping center. I walked around to pass the time even though I wanted to stand at the counter tapping my foot. After 10 minutes I went back to the shop and the assistant said "It's going to be another 10 minutes." "Are you serious?!" I replied. I phoned John again and told him it would be another 10 minutes. He said, "Chill babe, it's fine." I replied, "Chill?! I'm standing in a f#$?ing shopping center waiting for chicken and I was meant to pick up the chips 15 minutes ago and you're telling me to chill?!" I took a breath and apologised for my outburst, then thanked him for listening. When I hung up the phone I bursted into tears shocked by my inability to think straight.
I phoned the fish and chip shop sobbing to let them know I'll be there soon. Once collecting the chicken I hoped in the car, tears streaming down my face. Uncontrollably I wailed all the way to get the chips. When I arrived home I was greeted by a happy baby and loving partner, for some reason this made me feel worse. I dumped the groceries, chicken and cold chips and went for a shower. Knelling in childs pose as the water trickled over my back, utterly overwhelmed and feeling totally drained, I sobbed some more. This time I was crying for the sake of crying.
5 minutes later the healing power of water and this asana had calmed my nervous system, I mustered up the strength to face my family and dinner. Minimal activity until bed, and only 2 wakes throughout the night. I greeted the morning to a tingling lip and a throbbing headache. Hoping a coldsore wouldn't develop and the pain behind my eyes would subside I have been wishing some down time today. Instead it has been an eventful morning and long afternoon consisting of lots of rocking, swaying, burping, crying and dirty nappies!
Funnily enough as I come to the end of this post Kailash's eyes are getting droopy. He's falling asleep!
Gotta go, it's yoga nidra time for me! Thank goodness for the incredible and powerful practice of yoga. I would be lost without it!